Miscellaneous Episodes on a River
by ampersandy
Summary: The generals of Wu thought that, after the defeat of Orochi, everything would go back to normal. They were wrong. for Jenizaki
1. Episode 1: Sun Ce Is In Trouble

Title: Miscellaneous Episodes on a River

Author: greatfountain

Characters/Pairings: Wu, various SW / Various! 8D

Summary: The generals of Wu thought that, after the defeat of Orochi, everything would go back to normal. They were wrong.

A/N: For Jen: ILU, HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAY~

An Ode to Jenizaki

As my RP-partner, my 'holy shit it's 6AM! Again!' friend, and all that other shit…

You're amazing, your Sun Ce and Zhao Yun are awesome and I wish I wrote you a Gan Ning that did you justice.

I'm just glad we're not planning any pregnancies this time around, Gan Ning's pirate ship full of kids and Zhao Yun's bastard spawn is enough for me!

Thanks for being amazing. Let's kill a bunch more robots (and roaches) in the future, okay?

8D

Episode 1: In which Sun Ce is used to the single life, and Zhou Yu ships an OT3.

Da Qiao looked up from her novel—and sighed. Sun Ce, looking mussed and tired, had stumbled in, eating a piece of fruit and glancing around curiously. His eyes lit up when he saw her, and he padded over, settling into the arm chair next to her. "'ey, Da~" he greeted cheerfully, and then yawned, "geez, I'm tired."

"That's what you get for staying up all night," answered Da Qiao severely, her attention on her novel again.

Sun Ce finished his apple and dropped the core into his lap, reaching for the book on top of the pile between them. He flipped through it disinterestedly. "I was out with the boys and got distracted, is all," he assured her, "it's not like I go out that much, anyway!" He tossed the book back onto the pile, and sighed when the whole thing fell over. He rose to pick them up, meeting her eye over the top of her book and smiling sheepishly.

"Ce, you disappeared for _hours_," answered Da Qiao, putting a bookmark at her page and shutting the book to meet his eye, "you can't just _do_ that, it worries me!"

He pouted. "One night of revelry doesn't mean I've been _kidnapped_, Da," he replied.

"…this is the fourth time this week!"

"…what, really?" he answered, counting back the days on his fingers, "…oh, you're right. Sorry, dear! I'll be home tonight!" He smiled winningly.

She laughed easily, tapping him gently on the head with her book, then put it aside and leaned over him, her fingers stroking over his hair. "You better, or you'll wish that we were still fighting Orochi!"

"Yes, of course," he answered, leaning up and kissing her swiftly.

xxxx

"Come _on_, Tong, we're within sight distance of camp!" whined Xiao Qiao, tugging on his arm and pointing out at the clear Wu standards in the horizon. Ling Tong grumbled.

"We've been in sight distance for the past _three hours_," he pointed out, "we're not getting there today, give it up, let's just make camp for now!"

"Who goes there?" came a woman's voice, from their right, within the shade of the trees they'd been following for the past two days.

They both sprang to ready immediately, Xiao Qiao's fans snapping open and Ling Tong raising his nunchaku to his shoulder and peering at the forest.

"Ling Tong and Xiao Qiao, of Wu," called Ling Tong, "yourself?"

"Ginchiyo Tachibana, of the Tachibana clan," was the reply, and a woman clad head-to-toe in purple and brandishing a vicious-looking sword rode into view on a horse, "are you lost? The Wu camp is most quickly reached by river travel, you know."

"And if I had a _boat_, we'd be there already," answered Ling Tong, "but _no_, Xiao just _had _to take the 'pretty horses, Tong, we can't just leave them here, Nobunaga doesn't like them!' and then you just _had_ to go and get them stolen! Geez…"

Xiao Qiao rolled her eyes. "You're alive, aren't you, Tongy? Besides, how _else_ were we going to go sightseeing? You promised me we'd go after Orochi was defeated, didn't you?"

Ling Tong sighed heavily; Ginchiyo smirked. "Nobunaga, eh?" she asked, "and you said you were soldiers of Wu?"

"He's a strong guy, and the _last_ thing we wanted was to fight under that nasty snake," answered Xiao Qiao, "so we joined up with Nobunaga!"

"As good a reason as any," admitted Ginchiyo, "would you like an escort back to camp?"

"_Please_," answered Ling Tong, "the sooner I get to sleep in an actual bed, the better!"

Xiao Qiao holstered her fans, and bounded over. "Can I ride with you?" she asked, tugging on Ginchiyo's leg, "I'm _tired_!"

Ignoring Ling Tong's grumbles of 'oh, _you're_ tired? Who's carrying the packs, huh?', Ginchiyo offered her hand silently. "Come on," she said, pulling the other woman onto her steed. She glanced at Ling Tong. "You going to be able to keep up?" she asked Ling Tong.

Ling Tong scowled. "I'll be fine," he answered, stretching languidly.

Ginchiyo took off; Ling Tong squawked, before jogging after them.

xxxx

The last thing Zhou Yu expected when he went to the training yard for a spar with Lu Meng ('Gotta keep your sword as ready as your mind, Zhou Yu!') was the sight of Ginchiyo Tachibana riding back into camp followed by a surly Ling Tong laden down with a pair of packs—and his wife, chatting amiably with Ginchiyo. Zhou Yu pushed Lu Meng's glaive out of his way and lifted his hand for pause. "Xiao!" he yelled.

Xiao Qiao looked up from where she had been informing an amused Ginshiyo Tachibana of the way she'd been making Sakon Shima's life hell (by accident, of course) and brightened obnoxiously.

"Zhouie!" she shrieked, leaping off of the horse and jumping the training area fence to leap on him. Zhou Yu, startled, caught her, laughing, and squeezed her close. (His ears were used to the high decibel levels by now).

"Xiao, where have you _been_?" he asked, cupping her face.

"Helping Nobunaga!" she chirped, "Tongy and Xunnie and me~ Xunnie stayed behind to catch a ship here, but Tongy and I were impatient so we decided to leave on foot because Nobunaga told me he didn't like my horse and I couldn't just leave him there so we took them only then they got stolen because Tongy got a little sick and was throwing up and I kinda fell asleep and when I woke up the horses were gone but I chased them but they didn't give them back even though I yelled at them but I really tried, honest!"

Lu Meng's head was spinning from trying to understand that whole explosion of excited babble; Zhou Yu simply nodded amiably. "I see, I'm sorry about your horse, dear. We'll see about finding you a new one—did you like Ginchiyo's, at least? That animal hates me, he tried to eat my hair."

"He's a sweetie," answered Xiao Qiao, "he just doesn't like boys! …except Tong, he gets along with Tongy!"

Lu Meng tried, really, to keep back the answer to that one. "...don't see the difference between Tong and a girl, myself~"

Ling Tong groaned loudly. "_Now_ I remember why I liked the daimyo better. Ma Chao and Nobunaga don't make fun of people!" he grumbled, dropping the packs and settling heavily on the floor. Ginchiyo's horse nuzzled his head; he batted it away, annoyed, and, after Ginchiyo glared at him, petted him, sighing.

"Is that _Tong_?" called Sun Shang Xiang, leading her oldest brother to the training field. She grinned, jogging over.

"Hey," he said, standing up, "save me from these jerks? Even _Xiao_ is making fun of me!"

"Well, then, can't miss out on the fun," answered Sun Shang Xiang, amused, "you've only gotten _more_ pathetic with time, Tongy-poo?"

Ling Tong groaned incoherently; Sun Ce laughed, leaning on his sister's shoulder. "All right," he said, "quit makin' of the poor idiot, we've got a score to settle, here~"

Ling Tong made a face at him. "I only see one idiot around here, and it's not me," he answered, "he wears red and has long hair."

"Don't make fun of Zhouie!"

"…and ridiculous facial hair!"

"Oi, Tooooong," whined Sun Ce, "for that, you'll fight me after I tear up my baby sister~"

"Fat chance, Ce!"

xxxx

Ginchiyo was using the free time she'd gained by returning to camp early to write a letter to Mitsunari from inside a small library on a middling floor that faced a view of the river; she was also eating a pastry, careful to keep the crumbs out of her ink.

"Ginchiiiiiii~" called Xiao Qiao, leaping on the older woman. Ginchiyo sputtered for a moment, shoving the ink away from Xiao Qiao's flailing before giving into the younger woman's attempts to hug her, and patted her back awkwardly.

Zhou Yu, amused, slid in next to them. Well, _this_ was interesting~

"Xiao, don't kill her," he said, tugging her ponytail gently.

"I'm not killing anybody, Zhouie," she answered, leaning back contentedly.

"I'm fine," commented Ginchiyo over Xiao Qiao's head, meeting his eye, before lifting her brush and continuing her letter.

"Whatcha writing?" asked Xiao Qiao curiously, leaning over to stare at the page in front of Ginchiyo. She made a face. "That's not Chinese!" she accused.

"No, it's not," agreed Ginchiyo, "it's Japanese, silly girl."

"It's _weird_," answered Xiao Qiao, "it's always weird! Nobunaga wrote letters to Sakon all the time and wouldn't tell me what they meant, that meanie!"

Zhou Yu chuckled, as Ginchiyo tried to fight a quirking of her lips; she'd never heard anyone describe Nobunaga Oda as a 'meanie', before.

"Lady Ginchiyo, are you done composing that letter to your boyfriend?" asked Sakon, leaning into the room and raising an eyebrow, "Gan Ning's ship has arrived and he'll be making a run past Mitsunari's camp on his way back to Nobunaga."

Ginchiyo colored, her jaw setting, and answered, "my relationship with my lord is entirely professional, Sakon," in a firm voice, blowing on the ink still drying her name in the corner and folding the paper with the ease of practice. Xiao Qiao snatched it, crawling over Ginchiyo and skipping to Sakon.

"It's mean of you ignore me, Sakon!" she accused, handing him the letter and pouting.

Sakon rolled his eyes, used to her by now, and hit her in the forehead with the folded paper. "Sorry for not finding you during your surprise homecoming, brat. I'm remembering why I don't miss Nobunaga, all of a sudden," he said, ignoring Zhou Yu pointedly.

Zhou Yu leaned closer to Ginchiyo. "The first thing he told me was that she was still looking for me," he said, in a conspiratorial voice. Ginchiyo smirked.

Xiao Qiao didn't see any of this; she grinned winningly at Sakon. "I missed you, too, Sakkie~"

Ginchiyo choked on the last bite of her pastry; she glared at the back of Xiao Qiao's head, coughing, as Zhou Yu hit her back to help her out. Sakon glared at them both, before he tossed his head. "Leavin' now," he said, "don't have _too_ much fun without me."

"Bye bye, Sakkie~" called Xiao Qiao, waving and skipping back to the bench, leaping into Zhou Yu's lap and grinning at Ginchiyo.

"Had to get back at him for making fun of me for all that time," she said simply, "I've been married to Zhouie for a long time, I know when those meanie strategist types are calling me names!"

Ginchiyo nodded seriously. Zhou Yu tried to shove mental images of two naked women in his bed when he retired that evening from his mind, firmly.

xxxx

"So, Tong, meet any girls while you were off traveling the land and serving random samurai lords?" asked Sun Shang Xiang, smirking.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Yes, for your information, I _did_," he replied, "and maybe I'll meet a girl _here_, too, I mean, we didn't have any for the longest time~"

Sun Shang Xiang huffed, crossing her arms under her breasts pointedly (and almost elbowing Ranmaru, her reluctant companion for the afternoon, in the face).

Ling Tong smirked at Ina, pushing his bangs out of his face. "Hey there," he greeted, "Ling Tong."

Ina eyed him coldly. "I have a higher calling in this world—one that does _not_ include involvement with generals of Wu."

Ling Tong sighed. "So pretty, but so cold…" He turned his attention to Ranmaru. "Perhaps this young lady is a bit more receptive to the wonder of Ling Tong~?"

"…I'm a _man_," replied Ranmaru, blinking.

Ling Tong colored. "…oh," he answered, "…Ling Tong. You're…?"

"Ranmaru, a vassal of my lord Nobunaga Oda," replied Ranmaru, "a pleasure to meet you."

Sun Shang Xinag was trying (and failing) to hide her giggles behind her hand; Ling Tong glared at her, and the two began an impromptu staring contest—until someone knocked Ling Tong halfway over.

"Tong, you fled without a word," purred Okuni, shoving her boobs against his arm, "without even a goodbye!"

"Wh-what are you doing here?" demanded Ling Tong, "weren't you chasing that boy-toy of yours, or something?"

"I _am_ chasing my boy-toy," replied Okuni, "oh, hello, I'm Okuni, Ling Tong's my boyfriend~"

Sun Shang Xiang growled. "Tong," she said, "what the hell is this?"

"I told you there were girls with the daimyo," answered Ling Tong, sniffing haughtily.

"She's like that with everyone, actually," reported Lu Xun drawing all of their attention immediately, "and Tong, she was the _only_ girl with the daimyo, don't exaggerate!"

"I'm seeing another girl right here," answered Ling Tong shortly.

"Tong, no need to make fun of yourself, I can do it for ya~" called Gan Ning, booting the other man in the ass and joining them, "Xun, I'm never sailing you anywhere again, stowaways—even pretty ones—aren't welcome on my ship!"

Okuni batted her eyelashes at Gan Ning; Lu Xun scowled. "It isn't _my_ fault she hid in my cabin!" he answered, "next time, do a more thorough check before you set sail!"

"Yeah, yeah, shaddap," answered Gan Ning, "so, Tong, how long you been making out with pretty girls? Bet you were glad I wasn't around, I mean, I got _plenty_ of action, but you're Tong, you're basically the _definition_ of 'no action'…"

"You can stop any time you like," cut in Ling Tong, scowling, as Okuni giggled. He rolled his eyes; Okuni was pretty, but she flirted with everything that moved (including, disturbingly, Xiao Qiao, Ma Chao, and Cao Ren, to no success) and she had the whole Keiji Maeda thing going on. Why had she followed _him_, of all people?

"Oi, Shang Xiang~"

"Keiji!" greeted Sun Shang Xiang, whirling.

"Keiji?" gasped Okuni, detaching herself from Ling Tong, "Keiji!"

Ling Tong rolled his eyes; of _course_ Keiji Maeda is in the camp that she'd followed _him_ to; of _course_. Gan Ning laughed at him; he punched the ex-pirate in the shoulder.

"At least I'm not a _messenger boy_," he hissed, "I've heard all about your jobs, buddy~"

"Shaddap, Tong, at least I'm not _you_," answered Gan Ning cheerfully, "all right, there's Sakon, time to hit the road~"

Sakon was having a conversation with Lu Meng, in the distance. The two laughed, apparently amused by something. Between them and the pair of strategists, Keiji and Okuni were flirting. Suddenly, Keiji pulled Okuni over his shoulder, walking jauntily away as Okuni shouted about 'being let down this _instant_, Keiji~!' and giggled at him. Sun Shang Xiang watched them go, making a face and turning pointedly away. She frowned at Gan Ning. "You're leaving _again_?" she demanded, "it's like you're not even a member of Wu any more, you're in Wei so often!"

"I don't make the orders, I just kill shit," answered Gan Ning cheerfully, "and I'm the only one who's managed to figure out the sailing routes, everybody else sucks."

"You only managed to make it here because I read the map!" snapped Lu Xun, pulling said map out of his pocket and brandishing it at him,

"When'd you get so lippy, brat?" asked Gan Ning, shoving the pint-sized strategist away with a hand.

"Well, somebody had to be the snarky one, Ma Chao's nice and Ling Tong's an idiot," answered Lu Xun, waving to Ling Tong when the other man scowled at him.

"So, Shang Xiang," began Gan Ning, "why're you so annoyed Tong met some girl, huh~?"

"I'm not annoyed!" answered Sun Shang Xiang, "I'm mad he took the time to flirt with her while the rest of us were fighting for our lives!"

Gan Ning ignored Ling Tong's shouts about working for Nobunaga being _quite_ worth their sacrifice, thanks a lot, and, smirking, leaned forward. "I bet you're jealous she's prettier," answered Gan Ning.

Sun Shang Xiang squawked, attacking him with her fists; Sun Ce, Sun Quan, and Zhou Tai approached, the young heir of Wu laughing at their ridiculous arguments.

"I see we're all back to normal," said Sun Ce cheerfully, clapping Ling Tong on the shoulder.

Ina raised an eyebrow. "This cannot be your version of 'normal', my lord, this unprofessional behavior…" she began, motioning to the full-fledged battle beginning some distance away from them between Gan Ning and Sun Shang Xiang, Gan Ning taunting Sun Shang Xiang over her lack of feminine attributes and Sun Shang Xiang calling out the measurements of Gan Ning's penis (beginning with miniscule and only getting smaller from there); then the Wu princess hauled off and punched the pirate in the face. Ina winced.

Sun Ce grinned. "Seems like a normal day, 'eh, Tong?"

Ling Tong nodded. "C'mon, Shang Xiang, take him down!" he called suddenly, when Sun Shang Xiang tackled Gan Ning and sat on him, brandishing her fist in his face and screaming about his children never having a chance to exist.

Sun Ce smirked. "Attagirl!" he shouted.

Sun Quan laughed. "He's not even in camp for fifteen minutes and things are already really noisy around here!" he commented, "oi, Shang Xiang, punch like I taught you, that wussy girl punch isn't going to do anything!"

Zhou Tai made a face that would have been amusement, had he been anyone else; Ranmaru caught his eye and quirked his lips in response. Wu was an interesting place to live, he decided, as Sun Shang Xiang beat the crap out of a helplessly laughing Gan Ning, with cheering from her brothers and Ling Tong. Lu Xun rolled his eyes, watching them, and laughed when Gan Ning responded with a tickle attack. "That's cheating!" he called, as Sun Shang Xiang giggled helplessly.

Sun Ce, calling about 'injustice', tackled Gan Ning, and then there was a whole _other_ battle going. Ina tried not to stare, ignoring the 'hot men all over each other' radar going off in the back of her head and turning to Zhou Tai and Sun Quan (her 'hot men all over each other' radar went for an entirely _different_ reason). Finally, she gave up, joining Sun Shang Xiang.

Ling Tong grinned. It was good to be home~


	2. Episode 2: Ling Tong Is An Ass

Episode 2, featuring Liu Bei/Sun Shang Xiang, Ling Tong, Zhou Tai, and hints of my weird urges for Hanzo/Kunoichi (only not really). Enjoy, and pleasepleaseplease review! :D/

xxxx

Episode 2: In which Zhou Tai has a dramatic monologue, and Sun Shang Xiang gets her way.

xxxx

"Shang Xiaaaaang~" sang Ling Tong, slamming the door to her room open, "the sun is shining, the birds are _singing_, breakfast is _ready_, Gan Ning is _outta here_, and you are _still_ in bed--oh, wait, no you're not... Shang Xiang? Where are you? Are you naked again?"

Sun Shang Xiang was nowhere to be seen. Ling Tong scratched his head, confused, and then sighed. "Shang Xiang, where _are_ you?" he demanded of the air.

Taishi Ci, looking far too cheery for this early in the morning, boomed, "she's in the study," from the hallway behind Ling Tong.

Ling Tong jumped. "Oh, hey, Taishi Ci, didn't notice you there--wait, the _study_? _Shang Xiang_?"

"I thought it strange," agreed Taishi Ci.

"_Strange_?" asked Ling Tong, "that's downright _wrong_!" He took off for the second floor library. In the back of the library were several studies--he skipped Zhou Yu's usual to the generally unoccupied last one in the row.

"No, that's not right, I sound _stupid_!"

Ling Tong beamed. There was Shang Xiang~!

"Shang Xiaaaang~" he greeted, "...uh, what's that?"

"A letter," answered Sun Shang Xiang, rolling her eyes, "I know you can't _read_, Tong, but come on!"

"Ha ha," laughed Ling Tong dryly, "who's it _to_, smartass?"

"Liu Bei," she said promptly, "I mean--Gan Ning! To make fun of him."

"Liu Bei?" asked Ling Tong, making a face, "why're you writing to him?"

"Well-I—" Sun Shang Xiang looked flustered—"I kinda--I can't let him send me all these letters and never get an _answer_, Tong, that's _mean_, and he really is terribly nice..."

"But he's Liu Bei, Lord of _Virtue_," replied Ling Tong evenly, "I thought you said you hated him!"

"No, Daddy said I hated him," answered Sun Shang Xiang, making a face, "when he's not talking about virtue and is complimenting me, instead, he's much more interesting!"

Ling Tong plucked Liu Bei's latest letter off the table. To his surprise, it was actually quite informal, and messy besides, rather like a casual note than a proper letter. And the wording was--well, frankly, it was _fluffy_. Ling Tong made a gagging noise as he dropped it back on the table. "The fluff," he whined, "it overwhelms!"

"Shaddap," said Sun Shang Xiang, picking it up and re-folding it, "I like it."

"You're such a _girl_," accused Ling Tong.

Sun Shang Xiang looked offended. "You take that back!" she demanded.

"Nope, I'm good," said Ling Tong lightly, "ew, Shang Xiang has cooooties~!"

"ARRRRRGH," groaned Sun Shang Xiang, before she flew over the table and tackled him.

"All right, _children_," said Lu Meng, loudly, from the doorway, "can we keep the lover's spats to the training grounds, perhaps?"

"EW," replied Ling Tong and Sun Shang Xiang in unison, as they had done through all of puberty.

"Yes, yes, sure," said Lu Meng, "why are you fighting this time?"

"Oh, y'know, the usual," answered Ling Tong, shoving Sun Shang Xiang off of his chest, "she got mad when I told her she was acting like a _giiiirl_~"

Sun Shang Xiang moved to tackle him again, but held herself back in favor of glaring at Ling Tong (and, after a moment, a chuckling Lu Meng).

"Whatever," she huffed.

"Oh, don't pout," said Ling Tong, rolling his eyes, "what are you, a _Qiao_?"

"I HATE YOU YOU _JERK_--" "STOP PULLING MY HAIR!"—"DON'T CALL ME A QIAO!"—"SURE, WHATEVER, SUN SHANG QIAO, GET OFFA ME!"

"CHILDREN," boomed Lu Meng.

Ling Tong and Sun Shang Xiang separated, sheepishly. "Ling Tong, don't be smug," scolded Lu Meng, "Shang Xiang, your father needs to see you. Said something about suspicious notes?"

"Oh, crap," said SSX, and scrambled off of Ling Tong, barreling past Lu Meng and jumping over a knocked-over pile of books behind the good-natured strategist.

Lu Meng looked confused; Ling Tong considered putting him in the loop, and instead settled for gathering up SSX's clearly well-loved letters (some of her favorites were disintegrating along the folds). He tied them together gently and pushed them into his battle sash, patting them gently. He danced around Da Qiao on his way out--she was sitting on the floor, a novel balanced on her knees. "Hey, Da," he greeted, cheerfully.

Da Qiao hushed him. "Don't say my name, Ce made Ranmaru my bodyguard and he's... _zealous_. I need to escape him for a bit," she explained, looking sheepish.

"Gotcha," said Ling Tong, "I'll be sure not to mention you to him, then~!" He sketched a salute at her and took off. Time to watch the Sun family squabbles. He _almost_ felt bad, but Sun family fights were public, loud, and always kind of like a circus. When he got to the throne room. He sighed. Man, he'd missed the good part! Sun Quan looked rightfully outraged, Sun Ce looked confused, and Sun Jian—oh, Sun Jian looked pissed.

Ling Tong made a face when Shang Xiang started getting all teary-eyed and 'Daddy's Girl'. They were getting into the sap—and Sun Shang Xiang was going to get her way (as usual). He nodded easily to Zhou Tai as he loped out of the room, then blinked.

"Uhh, what's on your…"

"Wine," said Zhou Tai, short as always, "pardon me."

Zhou Tai had been on a search for clean pants for going on two _hours_ now, to little success. Sun Quan had spilled wine all over his lap at breakfast, and despite his numerous apologies and attempts to mop it up with his sleeve, the fact still remained that Zhou Tai needed a new pair of pants to last the day. Too bad the ones he was currently wearing were his only clean pair (all seven other identical pairs had been covered in snake goop on a recent extermination mission to another one of those damn peasant villages. Who was he, _Liu Bei_? He got paid to make sure Sun Quan didn't trip into a vat of hot oil, not save peasants.)

He'd gone back to his quarters, hoping to find one pair not as stained as the others, but he'd been a moment too late. A zealous maid, probably looking to curry favor, had taken them off to be lovingly (?) hand-washed. So he'd knocked on the launderer's door only to discover his pants had never even been _delivered_. He'd been offered a pair of Sun Ce's pants, but they were four inches too short (and two inches too wide). He'd come across a frantic-looking Ranmaru, who'd offered him a pair of his shorts, but Zhou Tai had had to refuse (_Ranmaru_ barely fit in Ranmaru's pants, and Zhou Tai had six inches and nearly one hundred pounds on the kid. No thanks.)

So now he was on the search for that maid (who, now that he considered it, had resembled Xiao Qiao. Oh, damn it all. Gan Ning's departing prank, perhaps?). Zhou Tai scowled (moreso than usual) and turned abruptly on his heel. He rapped sharply on the door to Xiao Qiao's sunroom, and was greeted with a cheery, "oh, wello, Zhou Tai! Ginchi and I were just doing calligraphy—well, _she's_ doing calligraphy and _I'm_ drawing, but shh don't tell, she'll catch me! …what happened to your pants?"

"I could ask you the same question," answered Zhou Tai, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Huh?" asked Xiao Qiao, lost, "I don't get it."

"I saw you snatch them," said Zhou Tai, flatly.

"Zhou Tai, that's mean," said Xiao Qiao, pouting, "I didn't touch them!"

Zhou Tai winced at the pitch; he sighed. "I don't suppose you've seen them?" he asked, tiredly.

"Have you tried the castle pennants?" asked Ginchiyo, from across the room, where she was calligraphing Xiao Qiao's name, "this sounds like that _girl's_ work."

Zhou Tai knew exactly what she meant; he nodded evenly to Ginchiyo. "It certainly does," he agreed, "pardon for my interruption."

He stepped out of the room as Xiao Qiao loudly demanded who 'that _girl_' was.

Zhou Tai made it to the roof, eyeing the door as he didn't want to get wet flour on his head (again). He didn't see anyone, but—ah, yes. There were his pants. Zhou Tai rolled his eyes, reaching for the flag line to get the first of his six pairs of pants down from the ramparts.

…only he was quite sure he owned _seven_ pairs of pants besides the ones he was wearing.

"Where are you?" he asked, finally.

Giggling, distantly, behind him—he didn't bother turning to look for her, used to his by now. "Out," he ordered, "now."

"You just have to take aaaaall the fun outta this, donchya?" grumbled Kunoichi, appearing from nowhere. She lifted his pants (they reached her shoulders, nearly, from the ground). "If you want these you hafta beg," she informed him cheerfully.

Zhou Tai's response to that was silent; Kunoichi squeaked when she found her wrist firmly in his grip.

"You learned that from dumb ol' Hanzo," she accused.

"Perhaps," replied Zhou Tai, with the barest spark of humor.

"Ooooh, I'm gonna get him for that," grumbled Kunoichi, "get offa me! I'm just a harmless little girl!"

"Pants first," ordered Zhou Tai, not perturbed in the slightest by this, "your grandstanding does not impress me."

"It never did, I dunno why I bother," agreed Kunoichi. She handed him his pants (but got the last laugh by stealing his hat).

Zhou Tai stared after her. He _really_ did not want to be Hattori Hanzo at the moment.

xxxx

Hattori Hanzo didn't particularly want to be Hattori Hanzo at the moment, either. He'd been tasked with 'doing something besides training', and as such was sitting in a tree, reading a book on ninjutsu.

Too bad Sun Shang Xiang and Ina Honda had decided that they were going to have their daily girl-talk _thing_ right beneath him. He'd love to just leap from this tree (perhaps off of a cliff? It had never killed him _before_ but he could certainly _try_) and go _elsewhere_, but sadly Ina had her father's instincts, and Sun Shang Xiang had _violence_. Lots of it. Hattori Hanzo was a smart man and an excellent ninja. As such he saw no reason to _guarantee_ suicide.

"And then that _idiot _Ling Tong decided I was acting like a _girl_," complained Sun Shang Xiang loudly. Ina looked appropriately annoyed and patted her arm awkwardly before Sun Shang Xiang burst into a loud diatribe about how much she hated boys her own age at this very moment. (Ina looked miffed that Sun Shang Xiang hadn't said _all_ boys. Hanzo made an amused note in his book. That would make Tadakatsu happy (he supposed).)

"Yo, Hanzo~" hissed Kunoichi, cheerfully. Hanzo glared at her.

"Why're you spying on teenage girls?" she asked, and readied herself to yell at them—"O—oi,fdkgkf!"

Hanzo didn't move his hand from her mouth. "Shut up," he said, firmly. He glared her into submission and removed his hand, slowly, giving her the evil eye.

"No, really, why're you spying on teenage girls?" asked Kunoichi, squatting on the branch and reaching for his book distractedly. She flipped through it casually, fighting back a really loud laugh at the little stop-motion comic he'd drawn in the corner (Keiji stabbing Sun Shang Xiang).

"I have no desire to reach my end killed by shrieking, hormonal teenage girls because they can't pick a better spot for their bitch session," answered Hanzo, dryly.

Kunoichi snorted. "The great ninja Hattori Hanzo, defeated by someone who isn't even a _ninja_… that'd actually be kinda funny."

"Perhaps to you, you vapid little _vixen_," replied Hanzo, through gritted teeth, "please return my book."

"You're no fun," replied Kunoichi, pouting, "didja teach Zhou Tai that move he used on me earlier? The wrist grab?"

"Perhaps," replied Hanzo, with the barest flicker of amusement.

"Oooooh I hate you both," said Kunoichi, scowling, "but I got Zhou Tai's hat so it's all good~ what should I steal from you?"

"Nothing more, you little thief, you've already made off with half of my kunai, I'm sure," replied Hanzo, patting his weapons holster—"ah, three quarters."

What kinda amateur do ya think I am, _Nene_ or somethin'?" grumbled Kunoichi, "oi! You have all of mine, gimme those back, Hanzo!"

Somewhere in this scuffle the two of them had managed to forget they had Sun Shang Xiang and Ina sitting beneath the tree; as the light-hearted stealing contest evolved into a full-blown sparring battle, the two teenage girls reached for their weapons. Hanzo cursed under his breath when he saw Ina aiming for him, and leaped out of the tree, flickering very obviously into and out of sight before the fight continued. Ina relaxed; Sun Shang Xiang looked confused.

"Hanzo and that… _girl_… are once again testing their skills," explained Ina, "I could hardly stand in the way of their training."

Sun Shang Xiang nodded, comprehension dawning. "I still can't believe she's a _ninja_," she commented, "she's so… _loud_."

"Hanzo has raised similar objections," agreed Ina, "however her skills speak for themselves; far be it from me to pass judgment on another warrior for the sake of appearance alone."

Sun Shang Xiang glanced down at herself and nodded agreeably. "You're right," she said, "so, anyway, back to talking about _daddy_ and this bull-headed insistence I stop talking to Liu Bei.

xxxx

"FREEZE," boomed Zhou Tai, in the middle of the clearing.

Hattori Hanzo and Kunoichi flickered into view, locked in a kunai battle.

"My hat," demanded Zhou Tai, simply.

"Don't wanna," replied Kunoichi, cheerfully.

"Return my hat," repeated Zhou Tai, slowly, "I have had the day from the deepest pits of hell and I refuse to let it continue to be ruined by a barely pubescent teenage girl with an attitude problem when I already deal with _several_ of those daily. I do not think you understand quite how much anger I suppress on a daily basis. I am the personal retainer of _Sun Quan_. That in and of itself is taxing enough. Add onto that that I am one of the few entirely responsible, spectacularly capable, and not capable of getting seasick generals of Wu, and I am a _very busy man_. Today I spent nearly six hours looking for my pants, and then once I found them, fetching them from the castle ramparts and washing them by hand, because lo and behold placing them on the ramparts made them targets for some terrible bird-pooping game. All thanks to _you_, young lady. And what do I have to say for it in end? Eight pairs of dirty pants. And no hat."

Kunoichi blinked.

"My hat, please," said Zhou Tai, levelly.

"Yeah," squeaked Kunoichi, tossing it to him, "bye?" She disappeared.

Zhou Tai snorted. God, but he hated brats.


End file.
